Guide to Gamers for Normal People

               I was talking with my wife the other day and was trying to explain why I am gleeful of Nintendo’s complete and utter collapse with its console, when I realized her eyes had glazed over and she was very near to losing consciousness.  I’m almost entirely convinced that it’s because the topic is completely boring to her, just as her Top American Food Network Star Chopped by an Iron Chef shows are boring to me.  But just in case it’s because some of the words we gamers throw about are just meant for gamers’ ears, I will present herein a glossary of common terms for those normal people out there, such as my wife.

AAA Game:  This is a game that costs millions and millions of dollars to make and are considered huge games for a platform or platforms.  AAA Game is not a game about a roadside assistance organization that provides no actual roadside assistance. 

Beta: An unfinished game that is being tested to iron out all the problems (or to video game company DICE, a beta is a completed game), not a type of fish that dies almost instantly it is put under my daughter’s care.

Boss: A powerful enemy in the game that is very difficult to defeat. It does not mean one’s spouse or a person who pays you money to do things.

Console: A piece, normally expensive, of equipment on which you can play video games (Ex. PS4, XBone). It is not an attempt to make someone feel better for marrying a gamer or for buying a Nintendo Wii U.

E3:  Stands for Electronic Entertainment Expo. This is the Super Bowl for gamers.  This is where all the game console and game manufacturers get together with the media to demonstrate what is coming out and how awesome the games will be.  Nintendo, of course, rarely attends as they are incapable of competing with anything but digital watches. E3 does not stand for Expecting to End your Existence, which is what most spouses are feeling when they hear one speak of E3. 

RPG: Stands for Role Playing Game, where one assumes the identity of a new character and experiences the game through his/her eyes. It is not a piece of military hardware non-games would like to use to destroy a gamer’s console…or the Wii U.

Sandbox: An unscripted game whereby the player’s world around him/her is dictated by his/her actions.  Does not mean a container of sand that is very easy to hide the body of a gamer once he drives you over the edge with his video game playing.

Third-Person:   A game in which the player’s character is viewed from behind so you can view his/her actions.  Does not mean a unit of measure of a celebrity’s ego when he speaks of himself/herself in the third person.

Well, that is a good start to building your gamer vocabulary.  It is my hope that I’ve brought gamers and their spouses together through a common language. 

              Oh, one more thing. If one speaks of the Wii U, it’s like being proud to still own one of those singing mechanical trophy fish. It destroys your credibility almost instantly.  

              So don’t be like Nintendo, who can’t seem to ever…

Be Good or Be Good At It!

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End Prepositional Discrimination Now!

              Hello, Friends.  My name is Alan Reese. You may know me from the Be Good or Be Good At It! blog published every Monday and Thursday.  I’m normally pretty light-hearted about things, but I’ve recently discovered something that has horrified me, and I think it’s time that you and I band together and defeat the evil known as…Prepositional Discrimination!

              We know how hard words have it these days. They grow up in homes that tend to separate consonants and vowels, with only the backstabbing Y able to hang around both groups. And then, as they get older, the letters combine to form words. But not all words are treated equally, unfortunately. I, of course, speak of Prepositions.

              Oh sure, we love to use them, but Prepositions are never allowed to gain the glory and acceptance for which they have been horribly overlooked…the ability to finish a sentence.  When they are young, Prepositions dream of being “The Closer” to bring a sentence to its glorious conclusion.  But do we let them? NO! Since the word bigot Jon Dryden decreed that no preposition should ever end a systems, generations of prepositions have been discriminated against and it’s time we band together to raise Prepositional Awareness.  

              What I am about to bring to your attention are real stories about prepositions that, thanks to our Prepositional Discrimination, have not been able to live their dreams of completing sentences, and have fallen by the wayside.  These stories are real, but are you really human enough to hear them?

              Here are some tragic examples. You remember In? In’s has been in and out of halfway houses for years given his not being allowed to finish sentences.  Out has been down and out and On has been on government aid for the past fifteen years.  And Around? Around’s been addicted to food due to Prepositional Discrimination and has been getting fatter and fatter by the day. Down has been clinically depressed and is currently seeking treatment. Won’t someone help?

              And who could forget Toward? Toward’s been forced to do some untoward things in back alleys because he was consistently overlooked for sentence closing duty.  And who could turn a blind eye to the word sex shops that have taken advantage of innocent prepositions like Behind, Underneath and everyone’s favorite Between? All victims of Prepositional Discrimination.  

              Across has been taken small jobs in religious organizations, but its not enough to pay the bills.  Past and After are in perpetual states of melancholy, and Through is on suicide watch as he is threatening to end it all if he can’t finish a sentence. To and At have given up hope and are just wandering the streets.  How can we possibly change the social climate to allow for these words to get their rights respected and their authority to finish sentences restored?

              I spoke with Jane Reyaht, a former Montana school teacher and current word activist about the current state of prepositions and how we resolve these issues.  “The first thing to do is to achieve awareness socially of the situation.  Then we have to convince the Prepositions themselves that they are worth the equal of the other words and that they should have more self-respect.”

              Sadly, not all of the Prepositions agree.  Against has been downright obstinate in his stance that Prepositions should just accept their fate and not create more attention to themselves. Along and Among have been on a short list of those who share this idea of simple acceptance of their fate, and that no amount of social activism is going to improve their lot in life. 

              Regardless of your stance on this issue, it is time that we at least sit down and discuss the plight of the Prepositions.  Are they to suffer and never be able to complete a sentence? How many Under and Over’s need to die before we realize there is a problem? So please join me and the Prepositional Awareness Group, or PAG, and support our efforts to help the Prepositions.  Remember, a Preposition is a terrible thing to waste.  So join us and continue to…

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Horse’s A Goes to See Horses…eh?

              You know, sometimes a family just needs to get away and enjoy some quality time together. For yours truly, the titular Horse’s A, and his family, this weekend was that time.  Leaving our home in Walla Walla, Washington, we packed up the Reese Rambler and headed toward Chincoteague, Virginia. Why? Well that’s the home of the world famous Chincoteague Wild Ponies…not some football team, nay, real ponies that poop real poop and attract large numbers of tourists who apparently have never seen horses before…ever.

              My wife, upon whose judgment we normally and rightfully rely, made the mind-blowingly…that’s right, I just created an adverb, deal with it…incorrect call to ask me to be the one to drive.  It’s on record that I abhor driving. Not my driving, per se, but the driving of other people. The people who go under the speed limit, those that make turns that would be impressive in video games, but not so much in real life, and…bridges.

              We had to cross the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, a remarkably well constructed bridge and one that doesn’t have a tendency to catastrophically collapse, but, being a bridge, drew my angst and ire to a fever pitch.  It is also a large bridge that spans, by my calculations, forty-three miles over the water (EDITOR’S Note: The bridge is actually 4.3 miles long. The Author is NOT to be trusted with decimal points). We cross the bridge while I test the ultimate limits of the Depends underwear bought for this specific point in our journey and we finally reach Chincoteague.  

              It should be noted at this time that we had an absolutely lovely time in Chincoteague and its neighboring island Assateague, which is actually where the ponies can be found. It should also be noted at this time that no one reads this blog to find out that everything was wonderful and nothing went awry.   That being said, we arrive at our hotel and dump our things…including the aforementioned Depends underwear and being our tourism bit. We begin on Main Street and backtrack towards Maddox Blvd…which is actually the Main Street, but whatever.  We begin to realize that the mean age of the population is somewhere between eighty-five and the age of those who actually witnessed the Civil War. And they are chatty…all of them.

              I’m not really a people person, being socially awkward, and the concept of trying and subsequently failing to come up with ways to not seem to be the horribly awkward person I am makes me nauseous.  But I’m there with my beloved girls so I have to be the father and husband so I make nice-nice.  We spent a reasonable amount of time buying up trinkets and had a genuinely great time looking at the sights and sounds of the city…er…town…uh village. We then decided to go visit the Assateague Lighthouse, which is located on an elevated section of what can only be described as a swamp. 

              The lighthouse itself was a pleasure to see and it was even fun to get to the top and get a remarkable view of the surrounding area.  When we got back to terra firma, my thighs filed for divorce on the grounds of torture and I reluctantly agreed.  Then, as I stood before the entrance to the lighthouse, I remembered my kollej edumakashun that reminded me what kinds of bugs were around swamps.  Yep, mosquitos. And guess who completely forgot to bring bug spray? Yep, me. So there we are, running down the hill, waving our hands, and generally looking like fools attempting to, unsuccessfully, evade the mosquitos of doom. 

              Alright, well, so we are now somewhat more bumpy (thanks to the bites) than when we began this trip, but hey, let’s go to the beach and relax.  It’s about sixty-five degrees and quite windy. We’ve neglected to bring some sort of protection from the sun so we bought a beach umbrella.  So there I am trying to secure an unfurled beach umbrella into the sand during wind gusts measured up to 165 mph (EDITOR’S Note: Look, we’ve been through this, people. Decimals and this lame brain author do not get along well together, so slap a period between the six and the five and you should be in the correct ballpark). 

              Well, I fail miserably to keep possession of our beach umbrella as it floated off towards the NASA station just down the road. I’m sure they had to fire a rocket or something at it for practice so I prefer to think of my feeble and unsuccessful efforts to control my umbrella as a unique testing opportunity for my Country. You’re welcome. Luckily, my wife bought sandwiches so I do what I do best…eat copious amounts of non-healthy food. I am pleased to announce that that endeavor was a complete success!

              As I alluded to earlier, we had a really good time in Chincoteague and Assateague. We suffered no fatalities and we were able to launch a new satellite into the lower atmosphere of the Earth.  Oh…and I met up with an old friend of mine named Noxzema…I forgot sunscreen so I’ll be doing a lobster impression for the next few days. Available for parties should you need a lobster impersonator!  At the very least I can try to…

WAIT! Nope, can't end this article without wishing my lovely bride a very happy birthday. Love you, honey and thank you for helping me every day in at least attempting to...

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