Force, please be with us!

              Well, here we are again…the eve of a new Star Wars movie.  We’ve got the rumor mills going and the cast has been confirmed. We’ve got a mix of brand new future Star Wars convention invitees and a collection of older, original stars that were conveniently loaned out to Disney Studios from the Shady Pines Retirement Home (homage to the Golden Girls!).  So far we’re batting .500 with three good movies (A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi) and three horrible movies (The Phantom Menace, The Search for More Merchandising, and Who Cares…You are Only Watching this Movie for the Last Part Where Anakin Becomes Darth Vader). In consideration of this monumental event, we are about to elect Jar Jar Binks (hero of Phantom Menace in its quest to be really, really bad) to the Jumping the Shark and Characters that Ruined Franchises Hall of Fame.

              Presiding over the ceremony is none other than Arthur Fonzarelli, or The Fonz as he was generally known, and is the current President of the Hall of Fame.  Famously known for his earning the meme “Jumping the Shark” when he did just that during the Los Angeles episode of Happy Days.  It was that event that ushered in the end of Happy Days and the beginning of recognizing when a TV show has ended its popularity and relies on cheap gimmicks to continue its existence. 

              Arthur scans the crowd and nods a welcoming greeting to Seven from Married With Children and Oliver from The Brady Bunch and holds his finger to his lips to bring about quiet.  “Ladies and Gentlemen…and weird characters like Snarf who may or may not be both sexes, I’d like to welcome you to the Welcoming Ceremony for our newest member of the JSCRF Hall of Fame, Jar Jar Binks!” Jar Jar stands up and claps his sorry hand-things together and yells “Oh, Meeso Happy, Meeso Happy.!”

              Fonzie raises his old and decrepit hands and waves them in an attempt to quiet everyone down. Failing miserably, much like the actor’s career after Fonzarelli, he looked around for some help.  Thankfully, The Great Gazoo was on hand to snap his fingers and bring everyone’s hands back to their sides and their mouths temporarily shut.  “Thank you, thank you, Mr. Gazoo,” exclaimed the beleaguered character, whose leather jacket was now showing a great deal of wear and tear, after many nights of being worn by Arthur, weeping on the floor and wondering what happened to his career. “Now, I’d like to welcome our friends from NFMF, or the Nuke the Fridge Movie Failures, the movie branch of JSCRF.”

              Standing, almost in unison, in a sickening display of solidarity among cinematic character catastrophes, were Keanu Reeves (Dracula), Sofia Coppola (Godfather III), and Shia LeBeouf (Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull) all clapping like toy monkeys with cymbals. Shia LeBeouf, who failed in fantastic fashion to attract a hand delivered audience of Indy fans, reads a prepared statement because creativity is something that is not his strong suit as much as saying “Would you like Fries With That?” is.  

              “Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of Harrison Ford, whose career is still showing something of a pulse, I would like to express our undying support for the horribly conceived and ill designed character of Jar Jar Binks.  His continued demonstration of effective methods of bringing about defecation by slobbering and repeating idiotic dialogue in an annoyingly shrill voice has given failed actors like my movie brethren and I the ability to look fondly at our failures and to be positive, even at our lowest personal worth assessment, that even at our worst we could not begin to approach the downright putrid existence of Jar Jar Binks.”  

              Meanwhile, Jar Jar Binks, having been given carte blanche over the open bar and has been drinking heavily since the evening began, starting picking his nose with a pencil and has found that the item had been rather painfully stuck in that particular orifice.  Desperate to remove the pencil, he shook his head in a violent motion and successfully knocked himself out with his ears. Fortunately, Peppermint Patty was on hand and gave the androgynous hunk of useless mass mouth to mouth to revive him/her.

              Drunk beyond all recognition at this point, Jar Jar lashed out and got into a fist fight with Scrappy Doo, resulting in both of them receiving mortal wounds.  Despondent and wrought with sadness, all those in attendance committed mass suicide…and an angel got its wings. 

So avoid being like Scrappy and Jar Jar and turn your life to...spit

Go out there and...

Be Good or Be Good At It!

Shocked by my Behavior

 

              For as long as I can remember, our family had dogs.  Most of the time we had several dogs at the same time.  We had spaniels, shelties, Chihuahuas and mutts, you name it and we probably had it.  Pooches occupy a special place in my heart but there was one thing that hurt that special place in my heart...that damn invisible fence.

              Firstly let me say that this occurred during a different time in our collective timeline.  Animal rights were not nearly as extensive as they are today and we simply thought nothing of using one of those shock collars when training a dog.  So when my parents bought an electric fence, we didn’t for a second believe we were going to do any harm at all to the dog…the dog…to the dog…harm to…the dog. Stay with me.

              Our dog at the time, a mutt that was part wolf had a bad habit of digging under the fence and getting out of the friendly confines of our yard.  She’d run away get all dirty and come back and sleep until she had enough energy to do it again…say that reminds me of me in my younger days.  Anyway, we lived near a busy road and wanted to make sure nothing would happen to her so we bought this invisible fence.  The nice men who came and installed the thing were very careful to go through all the procedures step by step with us and we listened to the first three of the steps before getting a collective glazed look in our eyes and missing the last half of the instructions.

              So to get the nice men to leave us alone, we simply said ‘Got it!’ and signed the paperwork before seeing them to their Doggy Security van.  So they drove off and counted their money, all the while laughing at the stupid family with whom they had just concluded business.  My father, showing a complete lack of good judgment, hands me the collar and the batteries and asks me to get it set up.  Naturally, I reverse the polarity (ie stick ‘em in the wrong way) and almost break the cover of the collar trying to force them into the battery compartment.  Oh that silly, silly man my father is.  

              Having realized that perhaps an idiot is not able to comprehend the battery installation, he takes the collar back from me and installs the batteries properly and hands the collar back to me.

Now…let’s stop for a moment.  Everybody all caught up? Having some orange slices and getting re-hydrated? Good, because it’s important to get a couple of things clarified here…Firstly, my eyesight is bad, for those of you who have been with us for a while, you know that my eyesight is like a TRex in that my eyesight is based on movement, it’s that bad.  Secondly you need to know that on this particular invisible fence collar, there is a knob and it goes from zero to ten.  There is no eleven because Spinal Tap was busy giving a concert when we bought this particular invisible fence.  Okay, so we’re good now? Alright, here we go.

              The theory for the invisible fence is thus…collar goes on dog. Collar is turned on and set to an acceptable level so that going past the fence post gives such a shock that the dog isn’t hurt but learns not to go past the fencepost again.  Simple really.  It’s exactly like a real fence except that it isn’t.  But it’s important to get the setting right. You don’t want to hurt the pooch, but you don’t want the dog to just shrug it off either.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you…me…the idiot.

              Still holding the collar, I dial it to zero and strap it around my neck just in the fashion it would soon adorn our little poochie woochie.   Having put on the collar, I start walking to the fence line. I  cross the threshold of the fence and God hits me…hard…and not in a playful way.  I am looking upward as I discover that my body has been rather quickly thrust to the ground. I find myself staring into the sun and a twi….twww….twitching in my right eye that is taking a long time to stop.  My family rushes to my aid…well, that’s not accurate. My mother is genuinely worried about me and is trying to make sure I’m okay.  My sister is laughing hysterically and my father has the look of embarrassed indignation on his face, no doubt regretting continuing our species.

              My father reaches for my neck, somehow resists the urge to simply squeeze until I go away, and grabs the collar.  He examines it and quickly comes to realization that his idiot and almost blind son set the pain…sorry…training setting to ten instead of zero.  And what became of the dog, you ask? Oh he was most disturbed by my little demonstration.  As I turned my head while I was lying on the ground I saw him leap back and forth over the imaginary and invisible fence line.  Wouldn’t be the last time a dog had the better of me, but it certainly was the most painful. 

So be smart, people. Say no to electricity!

BbbbeeeeGggggooooodooorrrBeeeeeeeGoooooddaaaaaatttttItttttt!

Disney is trying to KILL US!

              “When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are…” Admit it. You’re singing the song in your head right now. I can’t blame you, so am I. These words have been so indelibly inserted into our brains by Walt Disney and his magical company that we cannot remove them from hour childhood psyche. Their animated movies were, and still are, a touching reminder of the innocence of being a child and that magic still exists in a world full of harsh realities such as death, taxes, Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus.  Their movies were, and still are, the invitation for children to be killed in horrible and disgusting ways.

              Harsh? Well yeah, but come with me on this little journey down Disney movie memory lane, shall we? Let’s start with Bambi, the cute deer that somehow overcomes the murder of his mother by human hunters and grows up to be the Prince of the Forest. Touching story, really. But have you ever been really close to a deer? You know…with antlers and hooves? I’ve been kicked by a deer and it hurts…a lot.  And antlers? They hurt when they combine with force and are applied to genitalia.  So go ahead and approach the kindly Bambi…but bring a cup.

              While we’re talking about older Disney movies, how about Robin Hood? Remember? The one with the adorable fox that stops the antics of Prince John?  Well foxes, the true animals and not the ones on a typical cheerleading squad, are incredible susceptible to diseases including diseases that completely alter the mind to the point that they are incredibly mean, very aggressive and will snap at anything and everyone in their path…so okay, they are like a fox on a typical cheerleading squad, but regardless, foxes can be dangerous.  

              And Disney’s Dumbo? Sure, try walking up to a typical African Elephant and see what it’s reaction is. Remember the old joke about what’s the gunk between an elephant’s toes? Slow tourists.  Walt was outright asking for your precious little angel to be crushed to a pulp.  While we’re at it, how about more modern movies? Disney didn’t just declare war on your children when he was alive, no sir! This even occurs in hit movies in the more modern times.

              Lion King? I won’t even talk about a lion. If you go grabbing at a lion, you get what you deserve. But how about Rafiki? He’s the cute monkey that dances around being all philosophical and mentor-like.  But a monkey will rip your face off. Remember that it happened to a lady not too long ago. Do you want a monkey capable of facial mutilation to be holding your bundle of joy up for all the world see? No, thank you Mr. Disney person.  

              And Bears? Oh bears. Winnie the Pooh will rip your intestines out and hang you with them before eating the rest of you.  The momma from Brave? Go for a heartfelt hug with a bear and you’ll see what your spleen looks like on the outside. And speaking of Winnie the Pooh, what about Tigger? How do you spell his name? T…I…Double Grrrowl as I bounce on your chest and sever your Jugular vain…Er.

              How about the king of them all, Mickey Mouse? Two words…black plague.  Oh yes, he and his Rescuer friends along with the rats from Ratatouille had fleas on them that allowed for the greatest outbreak of sickness and death in history. Oh, Mr. Disney your heart was as cold as…a snowman.

           OR          

Okay, okay…I’ll “Let it go.”  Just be sure to tell your little bundle of joys that you need to avoid Disney Animals at all costs. They are potentially dangerous, after all…like the cheerleaders.

So keep on keeping on, folks and…

Be Good or Be Good At It!