Force, please be with us!

              Well, here we are again…the eve of a new Star Wars movie.  We’ve got the rumor mills going and the cast has been confirmed. We’ve got a mix of brand new future Star Wars convention invitees and a collection of older, original stars that were conveniently loaned out to Disney Studios from the Shady Pines Retirement Home (homage to the Golden Girls!).  So far we’re batting .500 with three good movies (A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi) and three horrible movies (The Phantom Menace, The Search for More Merchandising, and Who Cares…You are Only Watching this Movie for the Last Part Where Anakin Becomes Darth Vader). In consideration of this monumental event, we are about to elect Jar Jar Binks (hero of Phantom Menace in its quest to be really, really bad) to the Jumping the Shark and Characters that Ruined Franchises Hall of Fame.

              Presiding over the ceremony is none other than Arthur Fonzarelli, or The Fonz as he was generally known, and is the current President of the Hall of Fame.  Famously known for his earning the meme “Jumping the Shark” when he did just that during the Los Angeles episode of Happy Days.  It was that event that ushered in the end of Happy Days and the beginning of recognizing when a TV show has ended its popularity and relies on cheap gimmicks to continue its existence. 

              Arthur scans the crowd and nods a welcoming greeting to Seven from Married With Children and Oliver from The Brady Bunch and holds his finger to his lips to bring about quiet.  “Ladies and Gentlemen…and weird characters like Snarf who may or may not be both sexes, I’d like to welcome you to the Welcoming Ceremony for our newest member of the JSCRF Hall of Fame, Jar Jar Binks!” Jar Jar stands up and claps his sorry hand-things together and yells “Oh, Meeso Happy, Meeso Happy.!”

              Fonzie raises his old and decrepit hands and waves them in an attempt to quiet everyone down. Failing miserably, much like the actor’s career after Fonzarelli, he looked around for some help.  Thankfully, The Great Gazoo was on hand to snap his fingers and bring everyone’s hands back to their sides and their mouths temporarily shut.  “Thank you, thank you, Mr. Gazoo,” exclaimed the beleaguered character, whose leather jacket was now showing a great deal of wear and tear, after many nights of being worn by Arthur, weeping on the floor and wondering what happened to his career. “Now, I’d like to welcome our friends from NFMF, or the Nuke the Fridge Movie Failures, the movie branch of JSCRF.”

              Standing, almost in unison, in a sickening display of solidarity among cinematic character catastrophes, were Keanu Reeves (Dracula), Sofia Coppola (Godfather III), and Shia LeBeouf (Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull) all clapping like toy monkeys with cymbals. Shia LeBeouf, who failed in fantastic fashion to attract a hand delivered audience of Indy fans, reads a prepared statement because creativity is something that is not his strong suit as much as saying “Would you like Fries With That?” is.  

              “Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of Harrison Ford, whose career is still showing something of a pulse, I would like to express our undying support for the horribly conceived and ill designed character of Jar Jar Binks.  His continued demonstration of effective methods of bringing about defecation by slobbering and repeating idiotic dialogue in an annoyingly shrill voice has given failed actors like my movie brethren and I the ability to look fondly at our failures and to be positive, even at our lowest personal worth assessment, that even at our worst we could not begin to approach the downright putrid existence of Jar Jar Binks.”  

              Meanwhile, Jar Jar Binks, having been given carte blanche over the open bar and has been drinking heavily since the evening began, starting picking his nose with a pencil and has found that the item had been rather painfully stuck in that particular orifice.  Desperate to remove the pencil, he shook his head in a violent motion and successfully knocked himself out with his ears. Fortunately, Peppermint Patty was on hand and gave the androgynous hunk of useless mass mouth to mouth to revive him/her.

              Drunk beyond all recognition at this point, Jar Jar lashed out and got into a fist fight with Scrappy Doo, resulting in both of them receiving mortal wounds.  Despondent and wrought with sadness, all those in attendance committed mass suicide…and an angel got its wings. 

So avoid being like Scrappy and Jar Jar and turn your life to...spit

Go out there and...

Be Good or Be Good At It!

The Trash Whisperer

              In today’s modern society, where men and women can place fraudulent advertisements for themselves online using glamor shots and Photoshop all from the comfort of their sugar and alcohol filled dwellings, it should not come to anyone’s surprise that television has evolved.  There are, with very few exceptions, no TV shows that are ‘appointment TV’ phenomenon any more.  We just DVR a show (or if you’re as old as I am ‘tape’ a show) and watch it when one cannot sleep or has an extra half hour for broadband to wake up.  

              As I write more of these you’ll find that I’m quite content to be discontented. If I’m not complaining, I’m not living (to modify a modern saying).  In this case, however, I love and wholeheartedly approve of the DVR system.  But there has developed an unholy gift that my wife and I share, and a gift that I anticipate many of those reading this share as well: Trash Whispering.

              What is Trash Whispering you may ask (probably alone, which means you are talking to yourself and should get that checked out)?  The ability to immediately determine if a TV show lives or dies by only viewing said program for 26 seconds. See an awful sitcom on CBS, ABC or NBC and you’ll know it in an instant.  Even the actors themselves have this accepting form of acting as if to say “Look, I just don’t want to be waiting tables right now so I’m doing this…just to get some tape for the next audition…just bear with me.”  See any new Crime Drama’s lately? No you haven’t…that well’s run dry. Oh you may see new titles and new actors, but they’re all the same really.

              Hand and hand with Trash Whispering is the Love Curse…no not a sickening old Pat Benatar 1980’s song, but a real condition. My wife has it, actually. The moment she falls in love with a TV show…it’s done, cancelled, tapes of which are destroyed, actors and actresses shipped off to a deserted island, never to be seen again. I thought I had it…a long time ago, when I fell in love with a show called “Tales of the Golden Monkey” and then never saw it again…but that’s just me. Nope, my wife can have her heart broken, filleted and served up on a platter the moment she actually enjoys a show, and it’s quickly replaced with some dumb tripe like “Pooping with the Stars” or “Amish Celebrity Pawn Stars All Star Survivor Cooking Spectacular.” 

              I’m sure we’re not the only ones with this gift so I’d be interested in finding out if anyone else has had similar experiences.

Until Next Time, Be Good or Be Good At It!