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Greetings, everyone! Just letting you all know that I am moving off of this server and will be posting EXCLUSIVELY to my regular site at...

http://www.BegoodorBgoodatit.com

So for all those looking for my twice-weekly posts of fun and laughter, please head over there and be sure to bookmark it.

Cheers to ya!

Pool Time!

              Memorial Day has come and gone.  The day we honor our war veterans and our fallen heroes by eating hot dogs and hamburgers outside and buying crap we don’t need at reduced prices. But this day is more than saying how much we value those people who made the ultimate sacrifice and display that appreciation by sleeping late and drinking too much. No, today is the day that…dum dum dummmm….the pool opens!

              There I sit, on our front porch at our home in the Badwater Basin of Death Valley.  I’m sipping my hot tea, which was iced tea not three second prior, and I’m enjoying watching rocks melt and birds bursting into flame. My daughter runs up to me and my wife and communicates her desire to travel to the local pool and engage in communal enjoyment of a containment unit housing large quantities of hydrogen and half as many portions of oxygen.  I know this because she yells…”Pool Time!”

              My wife and I don our respective swimsuits and our daughter gets hers on…backwards, but still a good try.  We quickly fix the fashion faux pas, and we pack plenty of water and snacks, which is a little strange as we are only planning on being there for three hours or so. But then my mind harkens back to Gilligan’s Island and their “three hour” tour and decide the more we pack the better.

              We are now sitting on metal chairs with those blue vinyl straps that immediately stick to the skin of your back and create that ever popular “phhhpt” sound that everyone hears…and judges…when you get up.  I’m sitting under an umbrella because my skin is so fare that one time someone aimed a flashlight in my general direction and I developed a severe sunburn from the light generated by two “C” batteries.  

              I have my ear buds in my ears…mostly because putting them anywhere else on my body would be both illogical and inappropriate…and I’m listening to a sports radio station talk about the local Death Valley High School teams (Go Scorpions!).  My wife and her girlfriends have gathered into circle and appear to be plotting the deaths of their respective husbands, but it’s hot so who cares?  All the men…married men, that is…have ear buds on and are trying to do what we do best, namely sleep or zone in and out of conversations just long enough to hear our names.

              The kids are playing in the pool and some of the younger ones have…that smile, that rather strenuous and concentrating smile…you know the one, parents…followed by a slow and methodical exit from the pool. About that time the lifeguards, who appear to have been born just last week, blow the whistle and allow the adults to swim without the kids.  Based on the “smiles” I’ve seen, however, I’ll pass.

              Our daughter comes to and from the pool for frequent re-application of sunscreen spray, and the spraying somehow always seems to drift in my direction and into my eyes. I’m sure there is a scientific reason behind it, but I just can’t seem to come up with one.  After a couple of hours, it’s time to come home and out of the sun.  

              We lug all the supplies back into the house.  The moment we get inside, our eyes begin to adjust to the reduced lighting and the dog signifies his recognition that we are home by jumping up on my and scraping my now sunburned legs.  Ah, yes.  Hurray for Pool Time! 

All I know is that this darned Noxzema had better…

Be Good or Be Good At It!

Oh, one more thing...a picture to enhance your summer pool swimming pleasure...enjoy!

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Guide to Gamers for Normal People

               I was talking with my wife the other day and was trying to explain why I am gleeful of Nintendo’s complete and utter collapse with its console, when I realized her eyes had glazed over and she was very near to losing consciousness.  I’m almost entirely convinced that it’s because the topic is completely boring to her, just as her Top American Food Network Star Chopped by an Iron Chef shows are boring to me.  But just in case it’s because some of the words we gamers throw about are just meant for gamers’ ears, I will present herein a glossary of common terms for those normal people out there, such as my wife.

AAA Game:  This is a game that costs millions and millions of dollars to make and are considered huge games for a platform or platforms.  AAA Game is not a game about a roadside assistance organization that provides no actual roadside assistance. 

Beta: An unfinished game that is being tested to iron out all the problems (or to video game company DICE, a beta is a completed game), not a type of fish that dies almost instantly it is put under my daughter’s care.

Boss: A powerful enemy in the game that is very difficult to defeat. It does not mean one’s spouse or a person who pays you money to do things.

Console: A piece, normally expensive, of equipment on which you can play video games (Ex. PS4, XBone). It is not an attempt to make someone feel better for marrying a gamer or for buying a Nintendo Wii U.

E3:  Stands for Electronic Entertainment Expo. This is the Super Bowl for gamers.  This is where all the game console and game manufacturers get together with the media to demonstrate what is coming out and how awesome the games will be.  Nintendo, of course, rarely attends as they are incapable of competing with anything but digital watches. E3 does not stand for Expecting to End your Existence, which is what most spouses are feeling when they hear one speak of E3. 

RPG: Stands for Role Playing Game, where one assumes the identity of a new character and experiences the game through his/her eyes. It is not a piece of military hardware non-games would like to use to destroy a gamer’s console…or the Wii U.

Sandbox: An unscripted game whereby the player’s world around him/her is dictated by his/her actions.  Does not mean a container of sand that is very easy to hide the body of a gamer once he drives you over the edge with his video game playing.

Third-Person:   A game in which the player’s character is viewed from behind so you can view his/her actions.  Does not mean a unit of measure of a celebrity’s ego when he speaks of himself/herself in the third person.

Well, that is a good start to building your gamer vocabulary.  It is my hope that I’ve brought gamers and their spouses together through a common language. 

              Oh, one more thing. If one speaks of the Wii U, it’s like being proud to still own one of those singing mechanical trophy fish. It destroys your credibility almost instantly.  

              So don’t be like Nintendo, who can’t seem to ever…

Be Good or Be Good At It!

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Happy “”ather’s Day!

 

              Alright Dundas, now you’ve gone too ““ar.  Yes, it was me that substituted your toothpaste with Elmer’s glue and yes it was me that put the plastic wrap over the toilet.  A bit mean, yes, but not something that warrants this little prank.  Why would you remove the ““ key on my keyboard when you know darn well I was planning on making this a ““ather’s Day edition o”“ Be Good or Be Good At It!? You don’t need to bring ““amily into this, you cruel little man!

              So here we are once again, on a holiday created to honor those that ““elt slighted when mothers were honored on a holiday completely created by Hallmark.  And here I am not able to even address and honor all the ““athers out there who slay the dragon at work and come home each and every day only to be told by their wives that they should have seen what happened at home today and how it was dealt with by the mother and why it was his ““ault that whatever happened happened.

              And here are you, Dundas, removing my ability to say thank you to my ““ather and to all the ““athers out there who are not looking to be honored, but simply are happy and content to have one day where they are expected to do nothing.  Granted, the expectation that we men would NOT do nothing has been abandoned by any woman that has been married over ““ive years, but THIS is the day we don’t get in trouble ““or our natural slothly behavior. 

              It was here, in these ““ew words that I wanted to honor my ““ellow ““athers, whose smiling ““ace never ““alters when ““aced with ““rowns, and ““acilitates the ““abulous ““estivities when ““ate ““eigns to ““oul up ““un ““iestas with ““eeble ““alsehoods and ““oreboding ““antasies. 

              Yes, this paragraph was intended to support the men who put up with all the nonsense that is real li”“e and keep on keeping on.  Those that spit in the ““ace o”“ illogical situations, only to realize that those illogical situations were upwind.  We honor the ““athers out there who have been aware ““or years that the clothes drier has been shrinking each and every pair o”“ pants that they own.  The ““athers who watch television with their wives and insist that the younger women these days should wear more clothing.. and she believes him.  

              And to limit the honor to just that one paragraph? ““or shame! We honor those men who success”“ully built an argument to ALMOST de”“eat his wi”“e in a disagreement. We honor the ““athers who know that there is no such thing as winning an argument with a lady, only degrees o”“ losing.  We honor all those ““ather who read this ““ar into this article without ““alling aslee…

…

…

shhh, happy ““ather’s day all you dads out there…be good or be good at it…and rest well. 

 And “” you, Dundas.