The Essence of Evil

Okay, I’m not a big issues-guy.  I have a rule that states that I never make it part of my business to expound upon political causes or climb up on a soap box about anything serious, but today I’m going to break that rule. There is an emergency in the New York Area.  There has been, get ready people, the emergence of a stalking clown on Staten Island. 

Yes, you’ve read correctly. A big, scary, clown has been sighted multiple times standing behind trees, standing in front of signs, etc.  He’s not doing anything but holding a balloon and looking clowny, but really, would he need to doing anything else? Would he need to be holding a bloody axe and the head of an orphan to convey any deeper level of evil and damnation he and his demonic brethren (and yes Mimes, I’m looking right at you…oh yeah? Say something to deny it. Ha! I knew it) represent?

At the time of my writing this, we know who is behind it. Some mentally deranged man named Michael Leavy and his production company called “Fuzz on the Lens” were behind the creation and appearance of this guardian of the hellmouth. I am sure that those reading this, whether they be for or against the death penalty, know that only the strictest of punishments can satisfy the vengeance for a crime of this magnitude.

Drawing and Quartering? Bah, too weak. Hanging by rope made of durian fibers? Not even close.  A 24 hour continuous loop of Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth?” Okay, now let’s not go overboard here, we are civilized after all.  These demon spawns purposely took to the streets to destroy the fabric of all that is good with the world.  They brought out among us the very embodiment of evil.  Clowns, of course, represent the epitome of all that nature despises and what drives anything remotely symbolizing good and right fleeing into the hills.  And to allow a man, a supposed person made of flesh and blood, to bring forth this putrefaction (scientifically named Clownimus Kardashian) into our society to taunt and destroy us.

Oh I am giving you SUCH a glare right now.

So Be Good or Be At It…except you…don’t you just feel terrible?

Too Much Technology?

              I’m not that old, not by geologic standards anyway. So when I start to look at modern society and point out its oddities, it’s not a case of my standing outside of my house and yelling for kids to get off my lawn (seriously, GET OFF MY LAWN!). So when I see my nine year old daughter figuring out how to make complex recipes in Minecraft, but utterly incapable of putting the brain synapses together to allow her to find a jar of mayonnaise in the refrigerator, I have to take a look as some things. 

              As stated before, I love video games. The extent of which captures my belief that we have reached the pinnacle of technological advancement as demonstrated by my ability to raise or lower the volume of my television solely by my voice. Yes, next step is the flying car.  That said, there are limits that should be enforced to not allow our reliance on technology to overtake our usefulness (which for me happened the moment electric can openers were invented). 

              So you will no doubt easily understand why I drew the metaphorical (because literal would not make any sense) line in the sand when I found that a sewing machine we recently acquired included, yes included, a USB cable.  What? You mean a doohickey that attaches to the back of a computer? Why? Did the sewing machine need access to the internet so it could access its email or naked pictures of cardigans or hedonistic hemlines? 

              At what point in our society did we decide that our culture was utterly incapable of advancing without the design and manufacturing of a sewing machine capable to utilizing Al Gore’s creation or Bill Gates’ playhouse? The legalization of marijuana is a fairly recent event so I’ll need another explanation for the inventor coming up with this idea.  There are only so many uses for a sewing machine and none of them would require using a USB cable.  So what gives?

              Naturally, I’ve come up with something that trumps the useless demonstration of technology.  The X-TP (patent pending).  Designed with the modern user in mind, this handy toilet paper role is complete with its own WiFi access that communicates directly with the manufacturer with updated stats and tendencies that allow you, the consumer, to never have to worry about using too much or too little again.  Been having too much cheese? Well then, the X-TP system (patent pending) will be able to advice the user and manufacturer that less toilet paper is needed.  Been to Taco Bell (oh that sucker is trademarked so I sure better reference it as being so) recently? An emergency call is put out towards the fine provider to immediately ship thicker, more numerous rolls directly to your door.  

              So…any investors?

Until next time, campers….Be Good or Be Good At It!

             

Those Wacky Russians

Today I was going to regale you with tales of my culinary expertise, ranging from my curious tendency to burn everything up to and including cereal to my even more curious ability construct sandwiches that taste a great deal like batteries (probably best not to ask).  I was feeling all ready to begin when that ‘ol wacky Putin invaded Crimea…oh sorry, annexed Crimea.  So readers, if you’ll excuse me for this article, I just want to have a little chat with the leader of Russia…m’kay?

              Vladimir Putin...Vlad…Putty…how ya ‘doin?  You feeling good now that you showed you were a big bad man and gaining quite a bit of real estate for your country in the process?  Well I know exactly how that feels because one time in Boy Scouts, I was able to strong arm the troop camping next to us to give up some of their campsite space so that we could have a larger campfire. Good times, Good times. Anyway, Congratulations! I hear Crimea is beautiful this time of year, maybe. But I simply have to ask you, is it worth it?

              Personally, I say go ahead and have Crimea. I know I haven’t been waking up in the morning saying, ‘Gosh I love Crimea. I sure hope nothing happens to it.’  So go for it, so long as you don’t disrupt my everyday routine, go right ahead and invade…sorry…annex to your heart’s content. But just a pal, I’m telling ya it’s not really worth the trouble.  Remember when, as a little dictator…President, you told your parents ‘I want a dog’ and then they got you one and it was your parents that ended up taking care of it before you tore its head off just for fun? Same basic thing here, oh sure it’s a nice toy right now, but sooner or later the people are going to want rights and stupid things like food and shelter and then all the glory disappears. Just one hassle after another. 

              Is it the Olympics? Hey I was upset when the US lost in the hockey event, but did I march into my neighbors’ yard and force them to vote that I should control their garden and shed? No, I just blamed the IOC and moved on. It’s okay, it happens. So buck up, ‘lil trooper, it’ll be okay. Oh, and please just stop inva…annexing any new countries, m’kay? You know we Americans are terrible at geography anyway so stop making it more complicated by rearranging borders.

быть хорошим или быть хорошо получается

(I’ll let the readers determine what that means…hint…it’s always as the bottom, which is opposite of top unless you’re in Australia where it’s reversed.)