Let’s
face it, flying is awful. Granted,
flying through the air in an airplane is slightly better than flying towards
the ground without the benefit of an airborne vehicle, but only slightly. The
lines, the cost, the security procedures, the hassle of managing carry-on
luggage, the realization that you are effectively giving God the finger by
doing something you were never intended to do making you paranoid as heck, all
contribute to an overall abhorrent experience that, sadly, is a necessary evil
for some of us. There are, however, ways
to at least try to make light of the situation once you find yourself up in the
air with a couple hundred of your closest friends.
Identify Yourself as an Air Marshal
When the
plane as reached cruising altitude, stand up and announce to everyone that you
are an air marshal and that you are watching everyone. Then
speak into an imaginary microphone located on the collar of your jacket. Be sure to eyeball each and every person on
the plane, especially children. They love being scared.
Avail Yourself of the Emergency Procedure Card
You know
that card in the front of your seat that outlines the efforts that would
ultimately prove futile should an actual emergency arise? Make it known to all
that can see you that you are actively reviewing each and every step of the
evacuation procedure. Ask many, many
questions to the stewards and stewardesses.
They adore being challenged to remember and repeat the minutest detail
of the escape plan destined to not work.
Demand Your Complimentary Peanuts
Sure,
some airlines actually charge for the 6.5 peanuts conveniently stored in a
package you must use your teeth to open, but demand them nonetheless. Eventually you will be given them and when
you are, be sure to identify yourself as someone suffering from a severe peanut
allergy and are very sensitive about being handed an instrument of great harm
to your personal being. Even if the
staff get mad at your, it will comfort your fellow passengers to know that the
staff is firmly aware that such an allergy exists.
Profess to Know a Vital Secret
Immediately and repeatedly attempt
to explain to those around you that you know what that indentation is on the
arm of your seat (SPOILER: Back in the old days you could smoke on planes and
that’s where the ashtray used to be).
Proceed to accuse the airline and its personnel of trying to hide the
truth from everyone on board and insist that the truth must be heard!
Be a Color Commentator
Many
airlines offer you the ability to hear the conversations between pilots on your
plane and the air traffic controllers on the ground. These are exceedingly boring conversations
because the bulk of them are actually just one ATC worker handing you off to
another, but it is very important information that your fellow passengers need
to know. Feel free to offer not only
play by play but also color commentary on the goings on of each and every step
of your flight. They will thank you for
it.
Conveniently Forget Your Overhead Luggage
You know
how sometimes when you are watching your favorite sport and are happy when
there is overtime because you can’t get enough? Flying is the same thing. Just because you landed and taxied to the
gate doesn’t mean the flight has to end. Be the first to unbuckle your seat
belt and leap up to get to your overhead luggage. Once you find that there is a long line of
people in back of you, keep searching the overhead bin for your luggage even
though it’s in front you. Believe me, the passengers behind you will recognize
that you are just trying to make sure they have the longest flying experience
possible. They will love you for it!
The next
time you are flying, just incorporate some or all of these helpful hints. And if, for some strange and incomprehensibly
weird reason someone stops you or you become detained, just tell them you were
trying to…
Be Good or Be Good At It!
Disclaimer: The preceding was just a joke...seriously, don't be a
dumbass. I mean I suppose you could if you really wanted to, but truly
you'll just end up looking like aim idiot. Is that really what you want?
Come on, your mother and I raised you better than this. Remember when
you just HAD to tell that Princess Di joke in front of the British
minister. How did that turn out, huh? Your mother and I are still not
allowed to go to the consulate. Truly, you are an embarrassment. Were it
not for all that booze and the glue sniffing you probably wouldn't even
be here. So go ahead try the funny man's tips. See where it get's you.
Typical.
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