“When you
wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are…” Admit it. You’re singing
the song in your head right now. I can’t blame you, so am I. These words have
been so indelibly inserted into our brains by Walt Disney and his magical
company that we cannot remove them from hour childhood psyche. Their animated
movies were, and still are, a touching reminder of the innocence of being a
child and that magic still exists in a world full of harsh realities such as
death, taxes, Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus.
Their movies were, and still are, the invitation for children to be
killed in horrible and disgusting ways.
Harsh?
Well yeah, but come with me on this little journey down Disney movie memory
lane, shall we? Let’s start with Bambi, the cute deer that somehow overcomes the
murder of his mother by human hunters and grows up to be the Prince of the
Forest. Touching story, really. But have you ever been really close to a deer?
You know…with antlers and hooves? I’ve been kicked by a deer and it hurts…a
lot. And antlers? They hurt when they
combine with force and are applied to genitalia. So go ahead and approach the kindly Bambi…but
bring a cup.
While we’re
talking about older Disney movies, how about Robin Hood? Remember? The one with
the adorable fox that stops the antics of Prince John? Well foxes, the true animals and not the ones
on a typical cheerleading squad, are incredible susceptible to diseases
including diseases that completely alter the mind to the point that they are
incredibly mean, very aggressive and will snap at anything and everyone in
their path…so okay, they are like a fox on a typical cheerleading squad, but
regardless, foxes can be dangerous.
And
Disney’s Dumbo? Sure, try walking up to a typical African Elephant and see what
it’s reaction is. Remember the old joke about what’s the gunk between an
elephant’s toes? Slow tourists. Walt was
outright asking for your precious little angel to be crushed to a pulp. While we’re at it, how about more modern
movies? Disney didn’t just declare war on your children when he was alive, no sir!
This even occurs in hit movies in the more modern times.
Lion
King? I won’t even talk about a lion. If you go grabbing at a lion, you get
what you deserve. But how about Rafiki? He’s the cute monkey that dances around
being all philosophical and mentor-like.
But a monkey will rip your face off. Remember that it happened to a lady
not too long ago. Do you want a monkey capable of facial mutilation to be
holding your bundle of joy up for all the world see? No, thank you Mr. Disney
person.
And Bears?
Oh bears. Winnie the Pooh will rip your intestines out and hang you with them
before eating the rest of you. The momma
from Brave? Go for a heartfelt hug with a bear and you’ll see what your spleen
looks like on the outside. And speaking of Winnie the Pooh, what about Tigger?
How do you spell his name? T…I…Double Grrrowl as I bounce on your chest and
sever your Jugular vain…Er.
How about
the king of them all, Mickey Mouse? Two words…black plague. Oh yes, he and his Rescuer friends along with
the rats from Ratatouille had fleas on them that allowed for the greatest
outbreak of sickness and death in history. Oh, Mr. Disney your heart was as cold
as…a snowman.
OR 
Okay, okay…I’ll “Let it go.”
Just be sure to tell your little bundle of joys that you need to avoid
Disney Animals at all costs. They are potentially dangerous, after all…like the
cheerleaders.
So keep on keeping on, folks and…
Be Good or Be Good At It!
No comments:
Post a Comment